Self care has a life of its own these days. There is a lot of buzz around the words “self care”.
What does self care really mean? It means taking care of yourself. Why does society label that with a massage or some other indulgence? Why isn’t self care just simple things like, paying attention to our needs of our mind, body and spirit.
I am here to give you permission to use Self Care as a means of paying attention to YOUR own needs. Not the needs of your families, your grandchildren, your spouses, your partners, your friends. Just paying attention to your needs.
Let’s break this down. In midlife we are coined as the sandwich generation. Sandwiched between adult children and aging parents. How the heck do we find time to breathe, let alone for self care?
When I work with some of my clients who desperately need some self care, I don’t necessarily think massage or facial. I know that as a coach I need to help my clients redirect their intentions inward.
What does the idea of intentional living or being intentional in your life mean to you?
We start by exploring their desires, their dreams, their wants. For most midlife women that is hard to wrap their head around. What do I want? Turning inward is so unrealistic these days. Midlife is when your supposed to have all this figured out already right? Wrong!
I am here to give you permission to figure it out all again, to figure YOU out again.
Here are 3 very crucial questions to ask yourself:
1 What makes you happy.
2 What desires do you have for YOUR life?
3 What do you need most right now?
Case Study #1:
Let’s take **Mary for an example. She is a grandmother who watches her 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 2. Mary leaves her house at 7am to go to her son’s house to watch the children as they head off to work. Mary is 68 and looks and feels amazing. She used to make working out somewhat a priority while she was working and raising her children. Mary gets enough exercise running around all day with the grandchildren. Mary and her husband are married 47 years and she loves him but she’s bored with their relationship. They used to make it a priority to travel or go on date nights. That has changed since Mary is with her grandchildren M-F 7AM -6PM and her husband is taking care of his aging father a few blocks away whom is very ill most days. On the weekends, there is food shopping, endless errands, and then TV time.
When you speak to Mary about her grandchildren, she lights up. This is her dream to be able to help out and watch her grandchildren just like her mom watched her children. She feels so lucky to be able to spoil them and enjoy all the things that only a grandmother can.
Mary’s answer to question # 1 was all about her happiness around her grandchildren. As her midlife coach, I navigate around some of the obvious waters by going against the current with responses like this, “Mary I know your grandchildren bring you joy but what else makes you happy?” No answers like Hubby, grandchildren, friends. That is what we call a generic answer. Let’s dive in deeply and learn to examine your soul. What makes you happy Mary?
After Mary’s many generic answers, we found out that Mary loves to lay down with her feet up and read. Ok Mary, how often do you do that? She does it a lot on the weekend because she is tired from all week with the grandkids and bored with her relationship. In fact she does it so much, you would imagine how happy Mary really is.
WRONG
Mary hired me as her midlife coach because she had no energy, felt hopeless and a bit depressed. Can you believe that after everything you’ve heard?
I can tell you, Mary isn’t alone. Many midlife women are suffering with the SELF CARE blues that society puts on them. What facial or massage? What new adventures or events? What meditation or new essential oils to try? It’s not about that kind of self care it’s about the self care that YOU need to soothe your soul.
When Mary started applying some of the coaching principles I gave her to try out, she started to become curious again. Curious about herself, her desires, her dreams and guess what.
Mary’s form of self care turned out to be in the way of a daily walk. She also needed to redirect her attention to her own body and started practicing an early morning stretch routine that I designed for her body.
Mary realized that she was just as much to blame for the boredom in her relationship, so she decided to make weekly adventures for her and her hubby. She would plan the Saturday adventures without telling him. He just needed to show up. Well he loved it so much, he started to alternate Saturdays so he could surprise her. What do you think that did to their boring marriage? Another way Mary took care of her needs #figureyououtagain
Now don’t get me wrong, a facial and or a massage is needed from time to time.
Self care is individual. No two people need the same.
Case Study #2
Now take *Jane as an example.
Jane worked all her life and had a thriving career in advertising. She is divorced and has one grown son. Jane recently retired and is so happy because this has been what she’s dreamed of forever.
Is she happy?
Jane hired me because she was at a crossroads with herself. She possibly wanted to get a job again because retirement was a bit boring. Jane spent most of her time in the gym taking classes. She is fairly fit but recently kept getting injured while working out. It was her knees one day, her back the next. Jane had a great social life. She enjoyed her girlfriends and their often fun evenings doing different things. What changed was these friends all lived in the neighborhood where she used to work. In fact, 2 of them were still working and one of them downsized and moved to a warmer climate.
Jane’s evenings were becoming dreaded. Once she left the gym she became anxious, what was she going to do then?
Her son is independent and all her friends live by her old job 45 minutes away. She has no friends to socialize with in the evening around her anymore. Jane was alone. Jane was looking to reinvent herself by wanting to work at something she had been interested in years ago. Cooking? Ok so we decided to explore.
One of our very first sessions together, Jane and I uncovered her desire to cook because she had never cooked for herself before. She ate out all the time due to work events or with her friends. Jane was in great shape at 69. I asked Jane the above questions. Here are her answers. “Cooking makes me happy now” Great I thought. Let’s move on, her answer to #2 was to find a part-time job she loved. Then there was # 3 and wow, that one question caused Jane anxiety. What do I need right now? After a few sessions and some work from specific coaching principles, we got the truth out of Jane’s soul.
I would like friends to socialize with nearby.
I would like to find a partner to compliment my life as it is now.
I would like to feel fulfilled and excited with my retirement.
BAM, and there it was. Jane like many others, wanted to retire and enjoy life. Financially she was set but that was it. She thought of cooking again because when she was a teen she remembered how great it was to cook with her mother. Jane thought that was going to bring her joy now in retirement . As you might imagine, she hated cooking and the mess that came with it.
I gave Jane permission to figure it all out again, figure HER out again.
We started to explore ways for Jane to meet friends or even a potential boyfriend. Jane was the ideal client who jumped into every opportunity. In about 4 months she had cultivated a few friendships from the gym. She started to go out to dinner more with these girls, because as she put it “I never want to cook again. ” Jane signed up for dating sites and had some fun with that. Jane only went to the gym to take classes that she enjoyed. She loved to dance so ZUMBA was it.
Results to date: 6months later Jane is a Zumba instructor and is loving her life. She has gone a few good dates and one man is starting to grow on her. Jane is now enjoying her life. Not because she is retired, but because she figured herself out again.
I hope these stories inspire you to #figureyououtagain
I give you permission for some serious SELF CARE
Maria Lorenzo
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**names are changed to protect the identity of my clients